sadly enough i've sat here for about 45 minutes looking through every photo i've ever taken (and have a copy of on this computer) attempting to find a photo that would sum up the confusion and perhaps loneliness that i'm feeling. i suck because it appears i haven't really found one. then i came across this shot i took of my cat a few days ago. i just absolutely adore how she's looking out through the fence.

okay i don't think it's loneliness i'm feeling so much. i guess it's just a realisation that's depressing but totally rational and so much saner than what i've been feeling for the past 8 months for someone. it's been one of those silly 'crushes' that you secretly know will never be anything but that. it used to upset me but i've been pretty okay with it lately. i guess i realised today i have to get over it because quite seriously - i won't go into detail, but it wouldn't work. part of me still holds this tiny bit of hope that it will, but in reality i have a feeling it won't.

so, for those who know what i'm talking about (and there are a few of you) please don't discuss it here. this page isn't private and i won't be happy if you do. i guess i shouldn't rule it all out 100%, but is it worth the hoping, wishing and dreaming? the fucking HOURS i have spent, and yes there have been so many! so many goddamn hours thinking about this person being mine. it's such a silly tangled web i've caught myself in and i don't think i'd ever gather up the guts to tell them.

i'd prefer to have them as my friend than not at all. well, for the time being anyway - i just have to move on i guess. well, i still have a decent friendship and nothing has come in the way of that. fuck this was long. sorry!

p.s - i know i have so many comments and deviations to go through.. i will reply and check them out, i just can't right now.

_{f only you'd never pull from me
the way that you do
if only you'd never pull like that
when i'm with you
i feel hopeless hands helplessly
pulling you back close to me
i wish you felt the way that i still do
the way that i still do}